Day 1 - 18-July-2014

I’ll get started by just saying that in reality, around others, I don’t seem that fucked up.  I take pride in the fact that I can keep my true ideas of life etc. behind a thin veil of calm.   Recently though, I’ve started to slip.

For a start I’ll tell you a bit about myself.   To the people who I see everyday I seem like just another carefree, 18 year old guy living in a small town.  I’m not socially awkward, I’m not an attention seeker.  Behind it all though, I have a fairly messed up life.  It’s not the worst, I actually consider myself very privileged, however it’s the things that go on around me that have been fucking with my head.  When I was four years old, my parents divorced.  It sucked but I didn’t care as I didn’t understand it.  I also didn’t know that my mother was a recovering alcoholic.  In my oldest sister’s words she “Looked after mum from when she was four, until she was fourteen.”  For a few years, until the divorce, she was fine, she didn’t drink a drop.  When we left the house where I spent my first five years she started to slip.  My sister did a good job of compensating for the lack of sensibility from my mother and my father was around when he could be.  Six months later, when she finished High School, my sister left home.  That was when mum really started to slip.  We then left town and returned to the place where my mum had grown up.  I was six at this point so I still didn’t really notice anything going on.  I knew that she sent me to stay with my grandparents occasionally and that she would bring strange men home occasionally when she could barely walk but it never really had an impact.  Eventually she got her teaching certificate which was good but that good would soon cause me to realise what was happening.  I never had any problems at school, in fact I had alot of friends, some of whom are still close today.  But home was still the problem.   My dad lived 10 hours away and he visited when he could and I visited him when I could but the whole family was fairly poor at that point.  Anyway when I was eight or nine years old we were driving to my grandparents house.  We were driving down a long, straight piece of road at about eight P.M. and I suddenly noticed red and blue lights in the mirror.  Mum went to pull over and in turn hit a fence post on the side of the road.  I was scared but I still didn’t understand.  When the police officer knocked on the drivers window it was pretty clear that mum was drunk.  We went back to the station and the Officer gave me a ride back home, where my grandparents were waiting.  The next day mum came home with 200 hours of community service and no driver’s license for six months.

Now you would think that this kind of shit would have an effect on a preschool teacher of all people but no.  The drinking got worse.  Sometime in those six months we were at my friend’s house.  She was drinking with his dad.  On the way home my mum could barely walk.  My friend’s dad helped.  We had to carry her home.  When I was ten my mum stopped going to work.  She told me and my sister that she had taken leave from work to recover.   I believed this lie until one day I came home from school to find some old family friends and my grandparents and uncle talking to her in the living room.  They told me to wait outside.  Another family friend “Coincidentally” was walking past the house and conveniently took me to her house and sent me home as the others were leaving.  My grandfather told me that mum had lost her job for showing up to work hungover (at a fucking pre-school, I mean who wants their kid to be looked after by hungover alcoholic.) and she would be working on an orchard owned by a family friend, minimum wage in her mid 40s’.   She started attending alcoholics anonymous and even got in a steady relationship with a cool, albeit fucked up, guy.  Another part of me not understanding shit was that he was an ex-convict who in 2 years time would be back in prison for drug abuse.  Mum recovered for the most part.

During this time my dad got re-married.  While we still visited each other it ended up being a shitty time.  His new wife was an evil, manipulative, whore.  The second-to-last time I saw him for a while he came to drop me off home and he and my mum argued, legitimately because I was too fat for his taste.  I visited him one time after this but it was absolute shit and mum ended up sending my sister to pick me up as I hated it after 3 days.  I was eleven at the time and I didn’t see him for another 5 years.

For a couple of years my life at home was fine, mum was recovering and got her job back, I never saw my dad but I had no desire to and we had money in the home again.  The thing with this though is that life at school had turned to shit. 

See in my town, everyone in their final seven years at school attend the same one.  And it’s different for the first six years.  I finally got to the “big kids school”.  I thought it was going to be great.  I hated it. When I got there I lost all of my friends.  Everyone seemed to hate me.  For my first two years there I was absent for more than 50% of the time.  Eventually I attended more and more.  I met a seemingly great girl, I’ll call her “J”.  We became friends instantly and after two weeks were dating.  We were together for a month or two and then split up as she had become increasingly fucked up and I couldn’t handle that.  Her dad had just died, she was into self harm and she was suicidal.  So we were just friends.  Early the next year I was 15.  I met a legitimately great girl who I’ll call “C”.  We fell for each other in weeks and we had a great relationship, however it was long distance.  She was still a virgin and I wasn’t but we legitimately loved each other.  While we were only together for a few months, I can safely say that to this day she is my absolute best friend.  At this point I had begun to be accepted into a new circle of friends, I was still kind of an outcast but I am still friends with these people to this day and I am one of the few who actually has something to do with everyone, in fact they call me one of the “Leaders”.  Later that year I reunited with “J” however she didn’t like me spending more time with this circle.  I decided it was done for good.  When I told her this she threatened to kill herself, I called bullshit.  She tried and she failed.  After that she tried to accuse me of sexual assault, I was 16 (legal) and she was 15 (Not Legal) so it almost worked. But luckily they realised the truth that she was lying.  Again things were back to normal for a while, although I couldn’t trust anyone.

The next year (2013) there was almost only good in my life.  I had started working part time which I hated due to the bosses.  Then I decided to reunite with my dad after 5 years.  After weeks of trying to contact him with no response I turned to my uncle.  I found out that my father was diagnosed with dementia.  I went up anyway.  When I went up there I had one of the best surprises of my life.  My sister was there (I have 4 sisters and this was my oldest) who I hadn’t seen in 12 years as she had been living overseas.  I stayed with my uncle and visited my sister and it was a great time.  I went up again that year, my sister wasn’t there and my dad was at the point where he no longer recognised me but I still had a good time.

After 6 months of being treated like shit in a crappy job I decided to resign.  For 6 months I was free.   I passed my exams (I had failed almost all of them the year before and I was lucky to be let back to school) and I spent time around friends and it was great.  Early this year I got a new job which I love, I get along with everyone else and it was great.  In the past couple of months though my mum started to slip again.  My sister came to visit and she realised it too.  I tried to ignore it but about a week ago we confronted her.  She says she’ll stop but we know it’s bullshit.  This has put a whole new form of pressure on me and I hate it, it’s driven me to start this crappy blog. To let the feelings out.

Amongst all the shit with my sexuality, my mum being an alcoholic, relationship problems and everything else I just feel like shit.

I’m going to make this a daily thing so this will be the longest ever however I will keep myself and everyone else anonymous for privacy reasons.

Thanks for reading, if you’ve made it this far.
"M"